“When you’re having trouble making a decision you’re making it too soon”

– Abraham Hicks

So a few months back when I discovered a lump in my breast I started to panic. My aunt has previously had breast cancer so that really supported my worrying too. 

Today I finally went to see the doctor (although I felt like skipping the appointment at the last minute). She has checked it out and I have to keep an eye on it and go back in 8 weeks. 

I always feel depressed going to the doctor as a 30 something year old female without children because I know without doubt they will ask me the same question “are you planning on having children?” 

It’s incredibly intrusive (and also somewhat rude) and as they say it I feel like blurting out “I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO ASK, DO WE NEED TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION?” 

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But I don’t… I just sit there and politely wait for the doctor to ask me and then smile and respond that I don’t know (just like I did the time before). What was interesting about today was that she said that if I don’t have a child within the next year my chances will significantly drop and because I already have problems that my chances will drop even more significantly.

Great I thought… Just what I need to hear at the beginning of my weekend. 

So, in a completely polite way, without sarcasm and with a smile,  I decided I’d tell her exactly what I feel. I told her that the thought of making the decision to have children due to time constraints feels business like, which feels really wrong. I told her that I don’t want to have regrets but I feel like having a child is something I should feel I want to do. I told her that if the decision was that simple I would have made it by now. 

Her response was actually really nice. She told me that upon joining her job she had planned to have 4 children and now she has none. She told me to follow my heart and not the expectations of others. She also referred to a baby as parasite like, which was kind of shocking but also amusing to hear, particularly coming from a health professional but it was nice to be heard. 

I have a few beautiful friends that do not have children who have waited too long. They really yearn to be mothers but are too afraid to give things a go. I look at them and inside feel sad that they haven’t chosen to leave a part of themselves on earth because I think they are so amazing. But I also know the choice is so personal.

I don’t know what my decision will be. That particular decision scares me for so many reasons… 

For now I’ll just write about the experience and hope that whichever way that decision goes, some clarity comes to me (within the next 12 months).